On The Fence
I feel like I'm on top of a fence. Just teetering back and forth, trying to stay balanced but can't seem to master it. On one side is the disability and limitations. On the other side is perfect health and all my dreams. I've stayed on this fence ever since this disability hit me. I've never told myself that this is the way it's always going to be. I didn't want to drop down and accept it and be stuck. I wanted to teeter so that I could still see my dreams and pray for a full recovery.
Right now I feel like I'm sitting on the fence with my head low in my hands. Stuck on the fence with the disability side tugging at me. Making me really wonder if this is really what my life is going to be like for the rest of my days here. Making me ask myself questions like:
Will I ever be well?
Will I ever get married?
Will I ever see what my babies look like?
Will I ever be able to travel again? See the Eiffel Tower?
Will I ever be in the music business?
I just don't know... and that makes me sad just not knowing.
All of the prophetic words and my own prayers just seem so hollow right now. And even though my doctor has been optimistic about my recovery so much so that he kept issuing temporary, red placards for my car, today I get my new placard paper and he has checked off for the permanent, blue placard. Could have been so that he wouldn't have to deal with it every 6 months but still, it got to me. I do still look at it as a temporary thing but still, it has been messing with me. He also has a brain MRI hanging over my head. The scary thing about that is that if I get it done and I have lesions in my brain, this TM could turn into MS. My aunt has MS. It scares me so bad if I let myself think about it. Anxiety replaces peace and I'm a mess.
I know that it's normal to doubt and to ask God raw questions. I will continue to pray for my full recovery. I just feel so drained right now in a different way. It's hard to explain. Like, my dreams seem even further away than before. Maybe it's because this thing has lasted so long.
Faith isn't praying without
Faith isn't praying without any doubts; it's praying despite your doubts.
Faith is also like the guys who dug the hole in the roof to let their friend down into place before Jesus, despite the crowd.
Sometimes, you have enough faith by yourself. Other times, the faith of others carries you.
From a carrying friend.
"Sometimes, you have enough
"Sometimes, you have enough faith by yourself. Other times, the faith of others carries you."
You wouldn't believe how deeply comforting it has been to know that people have prayed for me when I was spent. When I couldn't think straight. When I was in so much pain and discomfort. When all I could say to God was, "WHY!"
The earnest and powerful prayers from so many friends. They could be praying for so many other things but they choose to mention my name.
Honestly, it fuels me to pray for others more. I want to be able to carry others with my faith when those times come.
)=
just want you to know that I do understand asking God the raw stuff and wondering about what life is actually going to look like "now". But I can't understand any of what you are going through. You are stronger than you think.
go easy on yourself girl!
=)
Thanks Jennie :)